Month: June 2015

Green means GO AWAY


Are you a morning person? I am definitely not. I am nice person in general, however when I don’t sleep, it’s a whole new side.

When I got married, I realize all the sides I try to keep hidden become exposed. You’re both vulnerable to every quirk that you don’t know would even be a quirk. You both see each other through the good and through the bad times.

When I was going through some extreme sleep deprivation after I had Olivia, it was a whole different side even for myself. I knew what it was like to be tired and grouchy but being extremely tired to the point where you aren’t sleeping for months is beyond extreme. I knew I was afraid of going through sleep deprivation all over again when we had baby number 2.

During the first few months with Olivia, it became a huge test of patience.  I really had none when I had no sleep. My moods were so bad and the one who had to see that vulnerable side was my husband. I didn’t want him to see that part of me because I didn’t like myself during that time. I had no friends with kids to talk to.

I felt like he married mrs.jeckyll & hyde with a combination of the hulk. I wasn’t a nice person because I was irritable, sad and depressed. I was afraid and ashamed of anyone seeing me that way. I usually bottle up my feelings to myself. I let it stew and then I explode like a volcano.

It was almost like that Simpsons episode where Marge just had a meltdown in the car. Except my meltdown was at home. I wanted to run off lock myself in a quiet room to just sleep. I didn’t feel like I had that option to rest, so I felt alone. I isolated myself and hardly went anywhere cause it was mostly cold and gloomy outside which gave me the “winter blues”.

Now that we have two kids, I find that it’s a true test of trying to be a good mother and a good wife but at times I feel like neither. I felt like I had so much pressure to constantly put on a smile and be happy all he time and still pull off looking good and not old and tired from exhaustion. Or to still have energy to cook a fancy meal and be the perfect wife. It wasn’t the case.

There are no instructions on how to be a great mom. At times I feel, am i doing enough? Am I good mom? Are my kids happy? My husband tries to remind me that I am doing great even when I feel like I’m not.

Maybe I’ll finally master this whole parenting thing when I’m 60. If only a sleep deprived me would turn green like the hulk so it can give warning for everyone to run away until I catch up on sleep again.

How to make new friends 101


I remember when I was 13 and new in junior high,  I was looking for a seat at a table during lunch and one of the girls blocked the chair and said it was taken. So I’m off trying to find a table that will “let” me sit with them.
That is my way of describing how it feels trying to meet friends in a different country. Starting from scratch is a scary thing for me. I found it easier making friends when I was working full time. I didn’t know where to find friends as a stay-at-home mom.
When I first joined a mommy and me class and trying to talk to other mom’s and it was like that scene from the IT crowd. I didn’t realize that I forgot to socialize with people that aren’t my daughter’s age. Sounds weird? Well, she was my company almost 24/7.
I had to realize that I needed a “thick skin” when meeting new people. Some may not want new friends and you just got accept that. Then you have to go back out there and keep trying to get past the rejection and eventually you meet people who you can have a friendship with.
Sometimes your kids are your wing-men/wing-girl without you realizing, hahah.

Mom SNOW…winter is coming…


I feel like I’m looking like Jon Snow on nights watch. Why? I have to be alert all the time. They keep me on my toes. Handling two kids and trying to make sure I can save my daughter from herself or from being too rough with her little baby brother.
I know it sounds like a crazy thing to say but she is full of so much energy from 6am – 8pm. Maybe when her brother is older she has someone to keep up with all her energy.
When my daughter started sleeping through the nite, these bags slowly went away. I looked more rested. I’m Back to square one with baby number 2.
Maybe when the kids are in college I can stop looking like Mom snow…one can only dream…