Are you a morning person? I am definitely not. I am nice person in general, however when I don’t sleep, it’s a whole new side.

When I got married, I realize all the sides I try to keep hidden become exposed. You’re both vulnerable to every quirk that you don’t know would even be a quirk. You both see each other through the good and through the bad times.

When I was going through some extreme sleep deprivation after I had Olivia, it was a whole different side even for myself. I knew what it was like to be tired and grouchy but being extremely tired to the point where you aren’t sleeping for months is beyond extreme. I knew I was afraid of going through sleep deprivation all over again when we had baby number 2.

During the first few months with Olivia, it became a huge test of patience.  I really had none when I had no sleep. My moods were so bad and the one who had to see that vulnerable side was my husband. I didn’t want him to see that part of me because I didn’t like myself during that time. I had no friends with kids to talk to.

I felt like he married mrs.jeckyll & hyde with a combination of the hulk. I wasn’t a nice person because I was irritable, sad and depressed. I was afraid and ashamed of anyone seeing me that way. I usually bottle up my feelings to myself. I let it stew and then I explode like a volcano.

It was almost like that Simpsons episode where Marge just had a meltdown in the car. Except my meltdown was at home. I wanted to run off lock myself in a quiet room to just sleep. I didn’t feel like I had that option to rest, so I felt alone. I isolated myself and hardly went anywhere cause it was mostly cold and gloomy outside which gave me the “winter blues”.

Now that we have two kids, I find that it’s a true test of trying to be a good mother and a good wife but at times I feel like neither. I felt like I had so much pressure to constantly put on a smile and be happy all he time and still pull off looking good and not old and tired from exhaustion. Or to still have energy to cook a fancy meal and be the perfect wife. It wasn’t the case.

There are no instructions on how to be a great mom. At times I feel, am i doing enough? Am I good mom? Are my kids happy? My husband tries to remind me that I am doing great even when I feel like I’m not.

Maybe I’ll finally master this whole parenting thing when I’m 60. If only a sleep deprived me would turn green like the hulk so it can give warning for everyone to run away until I catch up on sleep again.

And then there are TWO…

I remember thinking back to when it was winter weekend and maybe -30 Celicus outside when I lived in Alberta. I would be warm and toasty under my blanket inside the house. I would sit up after a long sleep, feel the cold air from the wind sneaking in from the cracks of the window, lie back down and sleep more. I would stay in my pjs all day, maybe draw and drink some hot tea and listen to music. Some would say that is boring, but I was happy having that time to myself.

I didn’t need to go anywhere, no alarm clock going off. The weekend was all for me.
Fast forward to the present. Everyday starts at 6 am. Getting up at 7am is just pushing it. My daughter is my alarm clock, which is usually 7am and during the night my son gets me up for night feedings.

It’s been a while since I had a weekend to myself.

Last week, I had a mommy melt down. My son was crying and hungry, and my toddler was screaming and wanting me to feed her first. I felt overwhelmed. Eventually things calmed down (with a few tears of my own) then I finally just had to tell my husband. I need a mommy time out. I think I always felt a bit guilty to have my own mommy time. However, I knew I really needed it. I just asked for a few hours for me.

What I realized was, I had one day with a few hours to myself and I wanted to fit so many things in that few hours but I couldn’t fit all.
I went to a movie by myself, did some small grocery shopping, came back home, fed my son while my daughter had a her nap, then I just drew again. Just a nice calm Sunday.

Although I don’t have my old weekends, I feel nice knowing that when I come home, there is still those little footsteps running to the door saying with delight, ” Mommy! ” And my husband asking me how my movie was. Or my little baby boy smiling at me cause I say, “hello to him.” I come home to a full house with people happy to see me. (Insert the Full House show theme song here)

I guess I realized that mommy’s need time outs too because we need some balance to get us through the busy week.
All I needed to do was ask without feeling guilty.

I remember I was talking to one of my family members about my pre-pregnancy weight and how much I was at the end of my pregnancy.

To which she replied, “I didn’t weight THAT much back when I was pregnant.” then proceeded further with how much she gained and how I was bigger than she was.

No one really comments on people’s weight since talking about body image is a sensitive subject. I don’t get how those mannerism’s go out the window while a woman is pregnant. I know some people can brush it off, but I was a bit more sensitive than that.

I think there should be a pregnant lady pass where you can say whatever is on your mind and people have to let it go due to the fact that you’re pregnant.