Green means GO AWAY


Are you a morning person? I am definitely not. I am nice person in general, however when I don’t sleep, it’s a whole new side.

When I got married, I realize all the sides I try to keep hidden become exposed. You’re both vulnerable to every quirk that you don’t know would even be a quirk. You both see each other through the good and through the bad times.

When I was going through some extreme sleep deprivation after I had Olivia, it was a whole different side even for myself. I knew what it was like to be tired and grouchy but being extremely tired to the point where you aren’t sleeping for months is beyond extreme. I knew I was afraid of going through sleep deprivation all over again when we had baby number 2.

During the first few months with Olivia, it became a huge test of patience.  I really had none when I had no sleep. My moods were so bad and the one who had to see that vulnerable side was my husband. I didn’t want him to see that part of me because I didn’t like myself during that time. I had no friends with kids to talk to.

I felt like he married mrs.jeckyll & hyde with a combination of the hulk. I wasn’t a nice person because I was irritable, sad and depressed. I was afraid and ashamed of anyone seeing me that way. I usually bottle up my feelings to myself. I let it stew and then I explode like a volcano.

It was almost like that Simpsons episode where Marge just had a meltdown in the car. Except my meltdown was at home. I wanted to run off lock myself in a quiet room to just sleep. I didn’t feel like I had that option to rest, so I felt alone. I isolated myself and hardly went anywhere cause it was mostly cold and gloomy outside which gave me the “winter blues”.

Now that we have two kids, I find that it’s a true test of trying to be a good mother and a good wife but at times I feel like neither. I felt like I had so much pressure to constantly put on a smile and be happy all he time and still pull off looking good and not old and tired from exhaustion. Or to still have energy to cook a fancy meal and be the perfect wife. It wasn’t the case.

There are no instructions on how to be a great mom. At times I feel, am i doing enough? Am I good mom? Are my kids happy? My husband tries to remind me that I am doing great even when I feel like I’m not.

Maybe I’ll finally master this whole parenting thing when I’m 60. If only a sleep deprived me would turn green like the hulk so it can give warning for everyone to run away until I catch up on sleep again.

How to make new friends 101


I remember when I was 13 and new in junior high,  I was looking for a seat at a table during lunch and one of the girls blocked the chair and said it was taken. So I’m off trying to find a table that will “let” me sit with them.
That is my way of describing how it feels trying to meet friends in a different country. Starting from scratch is a scary thing for me. I found it easier making friends when I was working full time. I didn’t know where to find friends as a stay-at-home mom.
When I first joined a mommy and me class and trying to talk to other mom’s and it was like that scene from the IT crowd. I didn’t realize that I forgot to socialize with people that aren’t my daughter’s age. Sounds weird? Well, she was my company almost 24/7.
I had to realize that I needed a “thick skin” when meeting new people. Some may not want new friends and you just got accept that. Then you have to go back out there and keep trying to get past the rejection and eventually you meet people who you can have a friendship with.
Sometimes your kids are your wing-men/wing-girl without you realizing, hahah.

Mom SNOW…winter is coming…


I feel like I’m looking like Jon Snow on nights watch. Why? I have to be alert all the time. They keep me on my toes. Handling two kids and trying to make sure I can save my daughter from herself or from being too rough with her little baby brother.
I know it sounds like a crazy thing to say but she is full of so much energy from 6am – 8pm. Maybe when her brother is older she has someone to keep up with all her energy.
When my daughter started sleeping through the nite, these bags slowly went away. I looked more rested. I’m Back to square one with baby number 2.
Maybe when the kids are in college I can stop looking like Mom snow…one can only dream…

And then there are TWO…


And then there are TWO…

 TWO diaper changes, TWO kids crying, TWO kids wanting my attention, TWO
 kids wanting me to keep awake everyday. If I fall asleep, I wake with a toddler screaming in my ear or a pile of her toys on top of me.
No, there are no perfect turkey dinners cooking in the oven, a sparkling clean house with clean children always well behaved. I feel like that expectation of what some people think how I should be.

My days are constant lists and my mind is filled with non-stop thoughts running every few minutes. I have to get “siri” to be my personal assistant to remind me everything I need to buy or to remember things before i leave the house or arriving home.
Everyday I Try to keep myself and the kids busy to prevent my toddler from being too bored and then the next mission is getting the kids home in time for my precious nap time.
Nap time is my ONLY time to have with some quiet time and maybe recharge or get things done in the house.
It took me a while to really be ready for another baby. I always got so much pressure to have another right away but I wanted to be ready emotionally and mentally ready to have another. My husband and I had to factor in how far apart in age we want them to be and if we wait to long that would mean I would be out of work for longer than I want.
I was still nervous about going through the whole process of having another baby while having a toddler.
So what made me finally decide to add another child to the existing chaos? It wasn’t until we brought my daughter to the pool when she was about 14 months old. She saw these two little girls probably sisters, playing together and having fun. She pulled me with her little swim floaty towards them and waved hello and laughed with them. She wanted so bad to join them however they completely ignored her.
It broke my heart. I realized what it was like to have a sibling. Someone to laugh and play with. Stay up with and at times get into mischief together. Someone to recall memories of childhood with as you become older.
It’s hard right now, but I guess you pick your battles each day and find what works for you even if its not “by the books”. Other parents do things different and even our parents will remind you of how they did things “differently” than you and constantly compare their parenting styles, etc.
There are days where i’m Holding 1 baby in a carrier and my other kid dragging her legs until I carry her too. I say to myself now and then, “OMG, how am I going to survive this day?” You just gotta do what YOU think is best for you. Learn to accept defeat and ask for help when you need it.
In the end, the kids aren’t the only ones taking baby steps in the process.





I remember thinking back to when it was winter weekend and maybe -30 Celicus outside when I lived in Alberta. I would be warm and toasty under my blanket inside the house. I would sit up after a long sleep, feel the cold air from the wind sneaking in from the cracks of the window, lie back down and sleep more. I would stay in my pjs all day, maybe draw and drink some hot tea and listen to music. Some would say that is boring, but I was happy having that time to myself.

I didn’t need to go anywhere, no alarm clock going off. The weekend was all for me.
Fast forward to the present. Everyday starts at 6 am. Getting up at 7am is just pushing it. My daughter is my alarm clock, which is usually 7am and during the night my son gets me up for night feedings.

It’s been a while since I had a weekend to myself.

Last week, I had a mommy melt down. My son was crying and hungry, and my toddler was screaming and wanting me to feed her first. I felt overwhelmed. Eventually things calmed down (with a few tears of my own) then I finally just had to tell my husband. I need a mommy time out. I think I always felt a bit guilty to have my own mommy time. However, I knew I really needed it. I just asked for a few hours for me.

What I realized was, I had one day with a few hours to myself and I wanted to fit so many things in that few hours but I couldn’t fit all.
I went to a movie by myself, did some small grocery shopping, came back home, fed my son while my daughter had a her nap, then I just drew again. Just a nice calm Sunday.

Although I don’t have my old weekends, I feel nice knowing that when I come home, there is still those little footsteps running to the door saying with delight, ” Mommy! ” And my husband asking me how my movie was. Or my little baby boy smiling at me cause I say, “hello to him.” I come home to a full house with people happy to see me. (Insert the Full House show theme song here)

I guess I realized that mommy’s need time outs too because we need some balance to get us through the busy week.
All I needed to do was ask without feeling guilty.



Just call me Rambo (WARNING: this topic is dedicated for new moms or mom’s to be)

After I had my daughter, I was clueless about breastfeeding and what engorgement felt like. She was having latching issues and I had no idea. I thought she was eating well. However, being engorged was so painful. I had no idea why my “chest-sicles” felt like hard pectorals. I felt like rambo.
I went from a A cup, to a B cup when full to a C cup when completely engorged. Who knew after having a baby you become a leaky mess. Filled with teary eyes from being sleep deprived to having a soak filled gown 🙁 I would be awake early in the morning from pumping if I didn’t get to feed.
I used to think the labour part will be the crazy scary part. No one really prepares you for what happens after you bring the baby home.
Despite having my rambo breasts, it was nice having a full size cup. I appreciated my temporary big breast size but now I just want to figure out how to make it stay without implants or breastfeeding past 2. Suggestions, would be wonderful. Hahahah.

King size bed sale

A 6 ft 4 husband and a 5 ft 1 wife. I still manage to take most of the room of the bed (so my husband says)
Found out they were selling a nice king size bed at Ikea that was at a decent price, so we went to buy it cause I figured my husband can get a bigger space on the bed as he desired.
We got the bed, it was a lot of space for us. This time his feet aren’t fully dangling off. As for his space on the bed, errr…he still says I take most of the space with my “pillow friends”.
I still leave some room…for debate.

Olivia & Bobo

Ah Olivia & Bobo friend. Her little hippo friend. I thought I would be fine having her travel on a trip to see my parents last summer without Bobo. I was wrong. I was only when my husband tried to test to see how well she can do sleeping without Bobo.

I wanted to put Bobo in the wash and gave her a different toy to sleep with. She threw her toy on the other side of the bed and cried for about 45 minutes until I said to my husband, “Okay, you made your point.”

I learned my lesson. She chose her childhood toy and they are inseparable. During bedtime, she will look for her little friend. If he’s not there she let’s us know no matter the time of day or nite.

My husband made sure, Bobo had a twin friend when he is in need of major bath time. Good job daddy! I would normally have to sneak to switch them when she isn’t looking. It can be tricky but it needs to be done to stop my eye from twitching. Ha!

What NOT to say to a pregnant lady: Good old Comparison

I remember I was talking to one of my family members about my pre-pregnancy weight and how much I was at the end of my pregnancy.

To which she replied, “I didn’t weight THAT much back when I was pregnant.” then proceeded further with how much she gained and how I was bigger than she was.

No one really comments on people’s weight since talking about body image is a sensitive subject. I don’t get how those mannerism’s go out the window while a woman is pregnant. I know some people can brush it off, but I was a bit more sensitive than that.

I think there should be a pregnant lady pass where you can say whatever is on your mind and people have to let it go due to the fact that you’re pregnant.