It was a nice calm breakfast or so I thought. Right as Jon left for work, the minute he closed the door, it was a whole new scene in the kitchen. Olivia dropped her bowl of cheerios on the floor and laughed while she was playing with the spilled milk on her tray.
Yes, this is a common toddler thing to do, then add a crying baby in the scene then the room becomes another chaotic mess.

It felt like a jungle in the kitchen. Your own thoughts become muted to the noise of the kids screaming. I say to myself, why is it always when he leaves for work the chaos begins. It wasn’t even 8 am yet. I would already be sending him a text asking him when he would be coming home. Yet, he wouldn’t know because he just arrived at work.

It is another overwhelming day.

As I stare at the cheerios on the floor while she laughs and continues making more of a mess, I get the broom and mop and clean it. Olivia would laugh and say, “mommy clean mess.” I started to tear up. I am a mom, crying over spilled cheerios. However, this isn’t the first time cleaning messes, maybe it is the 3495th time (random number, no I haven’t kept count) this happens. Its just on and on. It stops being a fun cute game.

I remember going to her mommy and me class and talking to the other moms and hearing their stories gave me a little bit of comfort knowing that I wasn’t the only one.

Maybe it’s her cry for attention for mommy since my attention is divided with her and her brother and she is still attempting to adjust.

I decided to have a “Summer end” bbq recently. I was craving cheesecake so I decided to try to make some with Olivia. A part of myself said, “No, bad idea. Baking with her always ends up with disasters.” However I figured that she is a little older now and maybe she will be a bit different.

Once again, it was a disaster. She almost fell off her chair, so as I was finishing up the mini-cakes, her brother was screaming for me to pick him up and give him attention and food. I asked her to play with her brother and then she replied, “NOOOOO” and downhill it went.

The kitchen was a chaotic jungle once again. For a good hour, all you hear was crying and screaming.

I needed a mommy moment.

I had attempted to calm her down, didn’t work. I was getting over whelmed with my son crying while I was trying to clean up. As she continued crying and screaming at me, she yelled out and said, ” I want daddy.” It broke my heart.

Yes it is nice she wants daddy, but I felt like I’m playing the bad cop a lot these days being the primary caregiver during most of the day. I felt completely unappreciated.

I held back my tears and I had to put her in her room to calm down while I try to give myself a moment to calm down and clean up while my son cried. As I closed the door to her room, I can hear her screaming and crying and banging on the door.

I felt like a horrible mother. I just needed a moment for breathe and let her calm down.

I said to myself, “All I was trying to do was bake with her. That’s all. Why am I the crappy parent in her eye?”

I went back in her room after we both a had a few minutes of space and I explained why she was in her room. We talked, I gave her a hug and we played dolls for a few minutes.

Crisis averted, so I thought. No time for tears from me.

After her afternoon nap, I thought she would be fine.
Another tantrum again. The house was all noise and chaos and it was such a craptastic day. When my husband came home, I had to go upstairs and just cry.

It was overwhelming.

He gave me a hug, which I needed even though I’m not much of a hugging person. I felt nice that someone cared when I felt like my daughter hates me.

He reassured me and said I’m doing a good job. Days like that, I really wonder what the heck I’m doing. Kids don’t come with instructions so I’m always winging it all the time.

Being a stay-at-home parent is hard. I miss working now and then. Some of my friends and relatives have their parents helping them watch their kids or siblings babysit. I would be a little sad at times. I think maybe I assumed it would have that as an option. Except, I don’t have that as an option.

Day care costs are insane. All my family in Canada are all working full-time and my parents were in a different province. I say to myself, we could go for daycare but maybe break even but then I will miss out on milestones with the kids and I still want that relationship with the kids. I often feel like I’m trapped with wanting my career back but also wanting to be with the kids.

I’d have to factor in the cost of day-care, after school care, and would I be comfortable having someone that isn’t family take care of my kids.

It’s that constant mind battle of a stay-at-home parent.

A relative said to me, staying at home with the kids is a break.

I am still waiting for that break.

Any other parents needing a moment to calm down from a chaotic day? You’ll find me beside my water cooler, standing on some old cheerios.